And I'll take with me the memories, to be my sunshine after the rain. It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday. Nice song. So sad though. Just finished bible study with dad. I did some chem homework! :D -good job gracie- HAHA. I'm quite happy la. Like, I am becoming a pretty successful mugger. But I've been ignoring/avoiding math haha. Binomial sucks shit. Anyway, I need to plan. The thoughts stuff. Think I will plan it here. My joy is being robbed and I don't want that to happen. And the thoughts make me feel sad and guilty. I don't think my dad will ever understand how I'm feeling. He thinks I'm so innocent, but the stuff in my mind's not. I need help. I don't believe God can forgive me. That's number one. It just seems impossible, you know. And with my kind of imagination. Just very scary. So what should I believe? That God's all-forgiving? So hard to believe that. I'm still so immensely messed up. But if I want to get close to God, I gotta get this over with. So how. If I try to believe, there'll still be a little bit of doubt. I can't make myself fully believe.. It's so hard. I get overcome by my feelings so fast. But if I say I believe, that means I must have no doubt right? I've thought about this many times already. If God can forgive me, then after prayer and all.. I'll feel much better and I'll be without doubt and the thoughts can go away. I want them to go really badly. And I want to know that I can depend on God to take away thoughts I do not like. I'm pretty sure I don't mean those thoughts, but then the question is, how come the thoughts still come even though I don't want them to? It's so.. Confusing. I need God to give me an answer. Sigh. Why must all this happen to me. My dad asked me to tell him what the thoughts are.. But I don't know how to tell him. It's so embarrassing.