every day is a complete torture.
the worst thing is i really can't figure out what the problem is. i'm just bloody confused and bloody sick of it but i don't know what to do about it. god probably knows alot about me right now, how i feel and all but i just refuse to turn to him for some.. enlightenment/comfort/whatever. why? why? why? SIGH. and for the first time in my life, NOBODY CAN HELP ME ON THIS. Not even my parents, not even maria. no one means no one. i gotta do this all by myself and that just absolutely sucksss the most. SIGH. why can't someone talk to god for me? then i'd have less to.. actually i just realised that i make no sense? talking to god. why must it be so hard? why is prayer so difficult to make? maybe it's because i don't want to make it. maybe it's honsestly because i don't want god. maybe i feel there is no need for him. -SHRUGS- i am so so so confused.. i don't even know how i feel anymore. and the greatest wish is just to return to myself, not really that old person, but a new grace with a cool new attitude towards life. but i miss my personality. and myself. somethings that have to go have to go. but other than that, i miss how my eyes light up ever so effortlessly over the smallest most trivial matters. and how i keep grinning to myself when i'm watching a romance flick. or how i absolutely love juicy gossips and eyecandy and whatnot. typical things. normal stuff normal kids do. i miss me. like crazy really and i'd do anything to return to that girl i was before. but at the same time i really don't want to live in the past. some things really have to go. if i go back to who i was before, i'd have many dissatisfactions with myself. actually i think that was what instigated this whole episode of change. i was discontented, i decided i needed to grow up and to change because being the old me was so yesteryear and every bit of silly old charm had been wearing off every once in a while, every few days in a week, everytime i saw someone more mature. i'd be like Damn. and so. yes. here i am, about a year after harsh realisations, and about four months into constant confusion and anxiousness. but what's the point of writing all this? it's just an update of my life and it is not a solution. you know, the problem is, i don't even know what my problem is anymore.
but today i think i got a clue. the very funny thing is, after reading mother teresa's talk on god's infinite and abundant (more than that i'd suppose), i instantly felt lifted. and mind you after attending church my feelings are like up up up (more so than any other fcking day in school anyway.) i'm wondering, why do i only feel better after someone drills it into my head that jesus loves me? my faith is like a deflated hot air balloon. it's 1) DEFLATED, unless someone comes along and blows some helium into it 2) doing absolutely nothing, rather floppy and useless anyway 3) very hard to inflate. (now this, is something i cannot figure out.) why's it so hard to have faith? god knows. and my feelings. it's either (a)i equate feelings to faith or (b) my feelings are affected by my faith. I really don't know. i'm confused now and i'm scared. confusion causes fear. oh how great is this. i hope i'm getting somewhere. maybe i should just ask god. that'll save me alot of thinking. i hope he answers. i really dont know why i dont want to have faith. sigh, witout it nothing's going to improve. i feel shitty again. SIGH. WHY OH WHY. maybe i'm not convinced? blah blah blah? i really really dont know. shit. I WILL FIND OUT IF GOD LOVES ME. thats going to save me a whole lifetime of worrying! okok. time to communicate with mister god. oh wait there's band. oh screw balls! i totally want to chill out. everyday i feel unconcious and it's really really harming me. actually thinking abt it or worrying wont solve anything aye. the truth is still the truth. yup. later folks.
i am such a sickshit for liking you.
base code by 